Work has been A Lot recently due to a bit project that I’m on, and I feel like sidelined and annoyed by my coworkers who (from my perception) are just like… not taking my point of view very seriously? And I’m mostly annoyed at my male coworker for this, because my female coworker has been a lot more communicative. But my manager just sent me a message thanking me for my work, which dialed my irritation down like… 30%

I’m alive and have been meaning to post an update for a while but have been intensely busy, so I just haven’t, but I need to put it out into the world that the therapist I am interested in seeing, who has a PhD and specialized in insomnia which I have off-and-on to varying degrees (and when I do have it, it’s a huge hit to my quality of life), charges $400 per session !! insane !! she did not put this on her website and I’m sure my insurance would only cover a fraction of it, so I really don’t want to pay like $250 out of pocket for it!

last night I woke up at like 2:30am with cramps from hell, plus GI distress, and it legit felt like what I imagine labor feels like. truly bad. no idea where that came from, and today I have mild pelvic discomfort. really hoping this does not happen during my trip, but something tells me it very well could!!

I had my post-op appointment and my new IUD strings look normal so I’m probably good to go!! Still terrified that this thing will self-eject though.

I got to see photos of the inside of my uterus which was neat. The Paragard was really wedged in there!! My old gynecologist really messed that one up 🙃

Work is weird because it’s an open secret that they’re announcing a major reorg/huge change to many peoples jobs tomorrow.

On Friday I’m driving up to Oregon with a new friend to go on my long-awaited rafting trip!!

the amount of secrecy and bullshit at my company right now is truly through the roof

Apparently one of my coworkers was reprimanded for saying “fuck” in a meeting last week, which has me shook

who the fuck cares if we say bad words. it’s an adult workplace, not a kindergarten.

Yesterday I was nearly in a panic because I had some pelvic discomfort and was like “oh fuck my IUD is totally expelling” (I checked my strings and it’s probably okay) and then I looked at the calendar and realized it’s my ovulation time frame so it’s probably just that!!

I might have an external interview this week or next with a company that could be good but I’m a little skeptical?

But also I was digging around in my current department’s strategy docs and there might be a job opening up that would be literally amazing and exactly what I want to do?? and I think I’d be a very strong contender for it if they get budget approved for it?? So I need to figure out how to manifest this lmao

I love it when I get directly contradictory feedback at work.

Feedback from two teammates: “Erin has a point of view, and I appreciate that.” “We need to be open about the current situation and call out what’s happening … Erin has been a force for saying the hard part out loud.”

Feedback from mystery executive leader: I said something that pissed someone off and I’m too negative and unprofessional

feel a lot of dread about work. I’ve started updating my resume and portfolio, put myself as “open to work” (to recruiters, not everyone lol) on LinkedIn, and applied to a few jobs that seem interesting. I’m not in a huge rush to leave my job, but the culture is going downhill and I would take another opportunity if presented with one

Surgery yesterday was fine, honestly not as bad as I expected. I got there at 8am for checkin, they brought me back pretty quickly, had me change into the sweaty gown, lots of waiting. Then the nurse came in to do my IV which was probably the worst part. I do not like IVs and got anxious when she was like “do you have good veins? Which arm do you want?” but she numbed my arm before inserting it which helped.

I waited more and then my anesthesiologist came by and we talked about my history and he told me the plan. He seemed really young so I found him on LinkedIn and it turns out he finished his residency literally last month, which is impressive. Then my ObGyn came in and checked in with me, and shortly after that I was brought to the OR by the nurses (wheeled down in the bed and then I walked into the OR) where I commented that there were “a lot of spectators!” (since there were like 6 people) and “I am extraordinarily sweaty under this gown!” (truth). I laid down and got a lot of nice warm blankets (very cozy!) and they started the drugs and the last thing I remember saying is that I felt like I was really drunk.

Woke up in the recovery room, apparently I asked what time it was like 5 times and my doctor had come to talk to me but I had no recollection whatsoever! The nurse let me talk to A on her little phone/pager device for a few minutes and he told me that the doctor told him I have my new IUD. Had some ice chips and water and crackers and then got disconnected from all the machines and went home. Had bad, persistent cramps all night but feeling a lot better this morning.

hours of bad cramps I am Suffering !!

I lived and have a new IUD now

Would not choose to do this again but it was Acceptable

love this sweaty plastic-lined gown !

I had to do pre-op bloodwork today and my CBC result is back already. My hemoglobin is down from 14.4 at the beginning of the year to 13.7 now. My hematocrit (percentage of red blood cells in the blood) is also down a couple percent. So I’d probably be clinically anemic in another 12 months or so. I am literally in survival mode- all of my iron is going to critical functions only. Love it.

Took an extra day off on Friday to have a 4-day weekend. On Friday, A and I did a local backpacking trip. I was able to reserve the campsite week-of so it was a nice spur-of-the-moment thing to do. We always feel a bit bad leaving our cat unattended for the night, but we have an automated feeder for her which helps. We had a nice 4.5ish mile hike each way and saw a lot of banana slugs, plus a tiny baby rabbit and a fawn. It was nice to be outside.

Yesterday was saw the movie “You Hurt My Feelings” and I’d highly recommend it. It felt very true to life, to me.

Otherwise we haven’t done much, just hung out. Today we made biscuits and eggs for breakfast and cleaned the house and had sex for the last time until 2 weeks from now because I’m not allowed to so much as use a tampon after my surgery on Wednesday (which I’m trying to not feel too anxious about).

I’ve been reading a book about burnout which has been good (in the same way that I feel a lot of self-help books are, like “take what you need and leave the rest”). I have therapy tomorrow and I have extensive notes written to bring to my session.

I still have really mixed feelings about work and whether I take leave, which I’m hoping my therapist can help me clarify/work through. I think the long weekend has helped me step back from things and be more objective, but I also worry that I’ll get back to work tomorrow and it’ll be the same shit.